I've listened to you bitch, I've listened to you whine But you couscous-eating yuppie jerks have gone too far this time Your kids are getting fatter and the outlook's rather bleak Despite you putting them on three fad diets every week So do you take the blame, and make a change at home? No dammit, you're American! You're born to bitch and moan! And just like every problem, your solution is the same: Your v-chipped cable-ready babysitter is to blame! Cuz every single character in every single show Must be shaped and molded perfectly to help your children grow Cuz if they're not ideal role models and beacons for good health You might just have to be one yourself! And who has time for that? So with your pen of judgement, you turn on your TV Prepared to write down ev-e-ry indecency you see (There's) a googly-eyed Muppet with a coat of navy blue He grabs a plate of something...hey, that don't look like tofu! And with a ghastly "ahm nahm nahm" the cookies disappear And suddenly the reason for your offspring's size is clear This glut'nous monster

"You Might Be A Trekkie" A parody of the "You Might Be A Redneck If..." stand-up routines by Jeff Foxworthy, About Trekkies and fandom in general. Written and performed by the great Luke Ski (http://www.LukeSki.com) (c) 1998 - 2007 Luke Sienkowski ~~~ AN IMPORTANT NOTE FROM LUKE SKI: I originally wrote this piece back in 1998. What it really should have been is "You Might Be A Fanboy", but at the time I felt that the mainstream public didn't know what the term 'fanboy' meant. So I used the term 'Trekkie' instead to be a catch-all term for fandom types. While part of me kind of thinks I should change it now that the mass populous for the most part knows what a 'fanboy' is, I kinda feel it's too late for that, so I'm going to leave it as it is (remember, Han shot first). I'm going to mostly base this transcript of the stand-up piece on the version I performed live at MarsCon 2006, which is on my DVD "The Ego Has Landed" (http://www.LukeSki.com) and available for MP3 download at the website of the Funny Music Project (http://www.TheFuMP.com). Furthermore, if you decide to copy and paste this and e-mail it to all your friends, I respectfully ask that you include the text from the entire page, including this blurb, so that everybody knows who wrote it and where they can find my CDs, DVD, MP3s, and other merch online. Thanks, and enjoy. ~ Luke Ski, Sept. 27, 2007 ~~~ (Luke Ski speaks in a southern accent) Yeeee-Hooo! How y'all doin' out there tonight? Make some noise, c'mon! (audience cheers) All right! How many "Star Trek" fans we got out there tonight? (audience cheers) Me too, I like "Star Trek", although I wouldn't exactly consider myself to be a Trekker, or a Trekkie. A lot of people ask me "Well, what's the difference between a Trekker and a Trekkie"? Well best I can tell, a Trekker is a "Star Trek" fan, and a Trekkie is someone who insists that you should be calling them a 'Trekker'. So... You groan now, but you'll be telling it to your friends tomorrow, I guarantee it. But now adays, being a 'Trekkie' ain't just about "Star Trek", Hell no! Now, not only so you have to be into Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise, but also Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of the Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, Babylon Five, Farscape, Lost In Space, Hercules, Xena, comic books, action figures, role playing games, Hell, it's Fan-delrium out there! So now there's a lot of people walking around who just don't know if they're a Trekkie or not. So, I came up with this little test to help them out. Things like, uh... If you've ever showed up for jury duty in a Starfleet uniform... You might be a Trekkie. If you consider foam latex, spirit gum, and chain mail a business expense... You might be a Trekkie. If you claim to be the alien clone love child of Mulder and Scully.... And that's next week on Jerry Springer, by the way... You might be a Trekkie. If you've ever woken up on a Sunday afternoon, in full costume, in a hotel lobby, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand... Well in that case you might be a Klingon, but uh, we won't get into that right now. If you have a summer home in Roswell... You might be a Trekkie. If your eight year old owns less toys than you do... You might be a Trekkie. If you ever mugged someone for their Magic cards... You might be a Trekkie. If your dice have more sides than a Denny's Menu... You might be a Trekkie. If you go to the Renaissance Festival, and they won't let you leave... You might be a Trekkie. If George Lucas asks you to proof read his scripts for continuity errors... (Luke Ski speaks in a higher-pitched southern accent, pretending to speak on the phone) Yeah, George, here on page 81, I just don't think Yoda would tell Obi-Wan to 'Get Jiggy Wit It'... And you're not serious about putting that Jar Jar character in there are you? You are? Well, you're the boss. GIT 'ER DONE! (back to previous voice)... You might be a Trekkie. If you have ever attempted the Jedi Mind Trick at the drive-thru window... (Luke Ski switches back and forth between voices) Beavis:

I decided it was time for me to find a new phone Correction, my two-year-old decided on her own To see how many things could fit into the toilet one day I lost my phone, keys, and glasses in the swirliest way I looked for a deal that would appeal to me I looked around and finally found a buy one get seven free With free interplanetary calling daily after lunch And more free minutes than there are in a month A little camera takes pictures that it sends to all my friends Thirty-five megapixels and a telephoto lense 3D and night vision are all standard I suppose But I paid extra for the lense that lets me see through your clothes I can use it as a remote to control my TV And even download all my favorite songs as MP3 And the quality astounds, it's in full surround sound But I don't know how to change the Hello Kitty background GPS, email, and that stuff ain't enough This phone deflects bullets for when calling gets rough It does just about anything at all (pause) But I can't make a damn phone call! Can you hear me now? (sample: "What the hell did he say?") (repeat 4 times) It's amazingly small but has all the latest tech And attaches to my chest like they do on Star Trek And you gotta check out the holographic display It's telepathic, pornographic, and will make you obey Text messaging used to be a pain But now it's easy 'cause the words are pulled directly from my brain And translated into any language thity-seven ways And did I mention the protection against UV rays? It keeps me online anywhere that I am So I can download porn from in a traffic jam And have the coolest chats where I pretend to be an elf With an FBI agent who pretends he's twelve My ring tone catches most folks by surprise Out of nowhere you hear (sample: "Smell my nipple, win a prize.") And it can make a sound that repels bugs And if I turn it up I can drive my relatives nuts I can call through time, I can talk to the dead I can pretend that I'm a Borg and attach it to my head I can play back every phone call I ever heard (pause) But I can't understand a damn word! (chorus) woman: "Thank you for calling Phonitron Global Wireless, a leader in cellular technology. How may I assist you today?" You can start with this piece of --- phone you sold me And --- up your --- along with everything you told me You stupid mother--- think you're all so slick Well you --- can all just suck --- And a ten year contract?! What the --- is that --- It's ---, you can --- my left --- Go --- yourself, and --- the horse you --- --- you, --- boisenberry pie --- woman: "I'm sorry, sir. You're breaking up. Please call back at a later time, or try calling us back from a land line." AAARRRGGHHH!!

It had been a long ass work week, it had been a long ass day, I was hoping I could just go home and sleep the night away, But the message waiting for me was the worst a man could know: "Hi there, son, could you call me back? My computer's running slow." There are bamboo shoots and water torture, German blondes named Gert, Films with Adam Sandler and lots of other things that hurt, But it's not my job or girlfriend that finally drove me mad, I've been on the phone long-distance doing tech support for Dad. It took seven tries to get him to the Start menu and Run, He had Bonzi Buddy, Comet Cursor, and Quicktime 3.1. I said I'd try to find out if his firewall had been breached, Turned out he'd bought this Compaq before Clinton was impeached. Service packs and driver updates, he needs every single thing, And he gets online by dial-up, so he might be done by spring, But he trusts that I can fix it, his beloved college grad, Never mind it was in Russian, now I'm tech support for Dad. After thirty seven reboots and a dozen clean installs My room is trashed, my plants are dead, and there's green slime on the walls But his 'puter's running smoothly, I can finally get away, When he says, "Oh, son, one more thing -- how do you sell stuff on eBay?" Here's a pox on all programmers puttin' crapware on your shelves, May you have to teach your programs to your dads by phone yourselves, There's the Normandy Invasion, and the Siege of Leningrad, And the special hell filling in for Dell as tech support for Dad. Now I've built him a computer, nothing can get in or out, The firewall's adamantium, and the drives are sealed with grout, And if this one starts to run slow, well, that's just too damn bad, 'Cause I'd rather shave my eyeballs than do tech support for Dad. Tech support for Dad. Tech support for Dad. "Hang on, son -- your mom wants to know how to set up a web page."

You know I never I never had much luck with girls They never like to read and learn But I like to And if I could figure out The cosine of your heart That'd be a good start Oh yes it would I never I never try to date offline Use algorithms built to find My Seven of Nine So if you look half as great As Aeryn on Farscape You'll be my first mate Cause baby we'll be In the chat room On the IRC Out at the Big Con Star Trek costume for me Down in the dungeon Role play D&D And baby Talk nerdy to me You know I dress up Like Jedi Knights or Klingon guys My phaser gun is set to fry I'll be your fanboy And my Starfleet uniform It matches the one worn By Leonard Nimoy Cause baby we'll be In the chat room On the IRC Out at the Big Con Star Trek costume for me Down in the dungeon Role play D&D And baby Talk nerdy to me PC, pick up that keytar and talk to me *Solo* Cause baby we'll be In the chat room On the IRC Out at the Big Con Star Trek costumes for you and me Down in the dungeon And role play D&D And baby, talk nerdy to me, yeah And baby, talk nerdy to me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And baby ya know Talk nerdy to me (That's the way I like it, baby)

We welcome you to our beautiful island And lift your spirit with our traditional island song. Koma will translate. Naha nehi / neh-a lei-a he mi / ay ma maia me hanni ney hey naha nehi / neh-a alli wa hai / mia meh-a me hanni oo eh Important -- Listen Carefully. This song is a legal agreement between you, hereafter referred to as "the listener", and us, hereafter referred to as "the band". You agree to be bound by the terms of this song. If you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this song, do not listen to it. Nahi nehi / me got sand in my eye / and me think me should buy a new shoe Mia mi hi / try papaya stir fry / with pastrami on rye and a dew You may listen to this song one time, right now, when we're singing it. If you want to listen to it again, you must [a] buy our album, [b] put money in the tip jar, or [c] learn it yourself. You are prohibited from learning it yourself unless we teach you. We reserve the right to teach you incorrectly. Mia no like no tahini / mia no like chocolate cake Mia prefer some linguini / just like me mom used to make If you decide you do not like the song, you must completely remove it from your memory. We recommend a partial frontal lobotomy or a substantial intake of Jack Daniels. (Always drink responsibly.) Mia me hey / we with the N S A / we record what you say on the phone So you might like / to speak into the mike / if someday you apply for a loan You agree that the band may collect personal data from you. This includes your wife's age and weight, your bowling average, and the phone number of your hot teenage daughter. This may be sold or distributed to our partners, usually in the format "For a good time, call...". Bet you surprised / we been singing so long / without mentioning Mister Don Ho Look to the skies / get the sun in your eyes / Look, Zaphod's just this guy, you know? You agree to give us your bank account and credit card numbers. We don't really expect you to, but some people are just that dumb. Are you going to eat that? Mia no care want you wantee / mia no care what you think Mia got all of your money / plus you owe mia a drink Your exclusive remedy for any breach of this Limited Warranty is as follows: Tough noogie. Any damage you suffer from sitting too close to the amplifiers is your own fault. I mean, come on. They're ukeleles. Naha me hey / in the U S of A / breaker breaker good buddy ten four Thank you for play / ing, now please go away / don't let yourself get hit by the door If you heard this song in the United States, this license is governed by the laws of the State of Hawaii. If you heard this song in Canada, you are obviously a music pirate, as we have never been to Canada and don't sell records there. The Mounties are on their way over right now; please wait for their arrival and DO NOT DESTROY THE EVIDENCE. Nahi neh hi / neh-a lei-a he mi / iy ma maia me hanni ney hi listen to Ray / Charles sing "what you say" / na na na na, hey hey, goodbye This EULA is the entire agreement between you and the band. If you have questions about any part of this agreement, it's too late. There's nobody here to talk to, and if there were we wouldn't answer the phone. Aloha.... Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

"UR" A sketch by the great Luke Ski and Carrie Dahlby Based on an idea by Carrie Dahlby [A hard rock theme song akin to late 80's / early 90's action cartoon shows for boys plays, male vocalists sing in unison the lyrics to the theme song:] THEME SONG VOCALISTS: Unexplained Rash, Unexplained Rash, Unexplained Rash! GUY 1: Unexplained Rash! Yeah! [Stinger music plays] TV ANNOUNCER: This week's episode: 'Cripes! Where did that come from?' GUY 2: Hey, how's it goin'? GUY 1: Oh, it's going pretty good- CRIPES! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?! [Stinger music plays] TV ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back to "Unexplained Rash" after this word from our sponsor. [Some different music plays softly in the background] COMM. ANNOUNCER: Hey kids! Do you love all the fun and excitement of your favorite cartoon action adventure show "Unexplained Rash"!? KIDS: Yeah! COMM. ANNOUNCER: Well now you can live it every morning at your breakfast table when you eat a new cereal based on your favorite TV show! KIDS: Whaa? COMM. ANNOUNCER: That's right, it's "Unexplained Rash: The Breakfast Cereal!" [Stinger music plays] KIDS: All right! GUY 1: Unexplained Rash! Yeah! COMM. ANNOUNCER: Yes, in every bowl you'll get a lumpy, bumpy swollen mouthful of red blisters! KIDS: Wow! COMM. ANNOUNCER: Orange pimples! KIDS: Cool! COMM. ANNOUNCER: Yellow hives! NEAT KID: Neat! COMM. ANNOUNCER: Green urticaria! KIDS: Uhh. COMM. ANNOUNCER: Blue eczema! KIDS: Umm. COMM. ANNOUNCER: And purple dermatitis! NAUSEUS KID: I'm really not hungry anymore. NEAT KID: No thank you. COMM. ANNOUNCER: With a full day's supply of histamines, it's an allergenic part of your nutritious breakfast. Your kids are just itchin' to try it! RAD KID: "Unexplained Rash: The Breakfast Cereal" is the raddest! RADISH: Did somebody mention a radish? KIDS AND RADISH: [laugh a lot at that last line as if it were a catch phrase from the show] [The different music ends, stinger music plays] TV ANNOUNCER: And now, the exciting conclusion of "Unexplained Rash"! GUY 1: Oh, it's just a couple Mosquito bites. It's all right. RADISH: Did somebody mention a radish? GUY 1: No. RADISH: [bummed] Huuuuhhh

8-bit, up front Processor, Z-80 224 x 288 displaydy Up at dawn, see the girl that I stayed with Joystick callin' me, begging to be played with Jump up, and then I make a run for Find the nearest arcade, bust through the front door I hear it, gotta track down Ooh I see it, in the back now I obey its insert coin orders Money no problem, pocket full of quarters I hear it beeping, I can see it in the corner Wanna caress the yellow decals that adorn her Maybe I'll take it home and hide it near my porno And possibly play it naked, stand back I'm playing Pac-Man, I'll play some more Pac-Man, my arm is sore Pac-Man, drool on the floor Pac-Man, oooohhh Pac-Man, I play for days Pac-Man, I cleared the maze Pac-Man, the practice pays Pac-Man, (death sound) Ooh, looks like another dumb sequel, they'll never Equal the classic Pac-Man game Baby Pac, Super Pac, what's next, Grandma and Grandpa Pac-Man, man that's lame Ghosts chase him all through the light blue walls Eat a power pellet now they got blue balls Wondering how he even moves at all Or how much he can eat before nature calls Cleared that stage didn't think I could do it Gonna try the next one, nothing to it Inky and Blinky got me on the run And Pinky, ("NARF!"), no the other one But there's a door to the right and I sneak away Come back on the left now I'm on my way It defies the laws of physics but I can't complain Because I live to play again another day, Pac-Man! I play each day so that my game will keep improving Some day I'll figure out just how the ghosts are moving Can't wait to see the big budget live action movie With Richard Simmons as Pinky, and Patrick Stewart as Pac-Man, I played till 4:00 Pac-Man, got the high score Pac-Man, my wife is sore Pac-Man, "Get your ass back home right now!" Pac-Man, I see that blob Pac-Man, my nipples throb Pac-Man, I lost my job Pac-Man, "You're fired!" Games today, they got high def graphics Real time 3D, looking fantastic Accurate physics, rumble controllers Sex and violence and still these games all Suck! Seriously, what the f...heck?! They play just like a train wreck They can't compete with this yellow circle I play it every time I'm hanging out at the mall It's on my cell phone so I play whenever I call Maybe I'll have the ROM implanted in my eyeball So that I'm always playing, 'cause damn I love that Pac-Man, big yellow head Pac-Man, no blood is shed Pac-Man, no hookers dead Pac-Man, ooooohhh Pac-Man, can't play no more Pac-Man, they locked the door Pac-Man, "You're mom's a whore!" Pac-Man, "Let me in, damn it! I have to play! *sob* Pac-Man! PAAAAC-MAAAAANNNNN!! *bwa-ha-ha!* "Dammit, where

There I was relaxed and watching Football on TV Once again she starts insisting That I deal with all those leaves How can I enjoy the game If I go outside? She tells me to move my ass Or they'll be no action tonight Raking the lawn, raking the lawn (x4) So much for my lazy Sunday I start to complain My fantasy team will struggle If I don't watch every game She says, "Dear, I just have One more task for you While you're out there would you mind Cleaning the gutters too?" Raking the lawn, raking the lawn (x4) You don't know what it's like! Raking the lawn, raking the lawn (x8)